All Sales Are Final

The first thing I noticed as I started to wake up were the aches. I'd never had a hangover before, but from everything I'd read, this felt like what I'd imagined one would. Gods, even my hair hurt. The second thing that hit me - and it was strong enough, it practically WAS a blow to the skull - was the SMELL. Gods, what was that horrible stench? Raw meat and blood and....I shuddered, making a gurgling noise deep in my throat. I moved a little, and felt something thick and slimy squelch underneath me. Whatever it was, I appeared to be sleeping in it. And wearing it. Bleah! Then....I started to remember what I'd done before I went to sleep. Apple. Gods. Ok....I now had an idea of what I was sleeping in. At least I HAD woken up. That was a good start.

It's not exactly easy to speak without opening your lips, but I certainly tried. I sure as hell didn't want any of the slime I felt covering me INSIDE my mouth. "Um....Lach'sis? Towel?" I held up a hand, eyes closed, and felt a towel placed in it. Wiping my mouth clean, I started in on the rest of my head. "Um....Lachesis? Do I want to open my eyes and find out why I'm now a high tenor instead of a baritone?"

Lachesis chuckled softly. "Probably not, lad." Then she actually giggled. "Um....you remember that problem you had? How you said you felt so old?" I nodded slowly, still trying to get whatever the crap was off of my face and hair. "Ye-e-e-es....." More chuckling, and it sounded like Clotho joined her. "Well...you don't have that problem anymore....."

I actually groaned. "I chibified myself!? How badly....?" Lachesis hmmmed softly. "Well....at a guess, you're maybe four foot six, I'd say. And there are...other considerations, too." That got another groan. Goddess, what I had I done to myself? It couldn't be TOO horrible if they were relieved enough to laugh at the chibification, but still.....

I finally got my face clean enough to risk opening my eyes, and I grimaced at what I saw. I was sitting up in a large pile of....well, goo. And not a nice clean goo like handwavium, either. I was looking at a good hundred pounds or more of partly-liquified me - whatever was left after the handwavium used the rest of my excess mass to power the transformation. Looking down, I took stock. Beard was gone - I'd felt that as soon as I was cleaning my face. Arms look normal, legs as well...just covered with slime and smaller. I glanced at something stretched out by my leg. Tail.

I blinked, my mind trying to process that and hitting a read error. Tail?! I have to admit, the first thing I did was drop the towel into my lap and clap my hands to my head. I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. OK. No furry ears on top of the head and - a bit more feeling around - the regular ones were where they should be and felt normal. NOT a catboy then, or an dog-hanyou or whatever....even if my sense of smell did seem to be turbocharged.

At this point, both Clotho and Lachesis were quietly giggling, and I definitely heard an amused snort from Atropos. "Uh....tail." The giggling increased. I reached out gingerly and prodded at it with my finger, and it twitched. OK, THAT felt weird. Another poke, and I felt it move and wrap around my wrist. Um...prehensile...I blinked, and groaned. "Oh no....." More giggling from the peanut gallery. I took the tip of the tail between my thumb and forefinger, and started to squeeze. Gently at first, then a bit more pressure until....I yelped and let go - QUICKLY - and shuddered. Damn, almost like a kick to the nuts, combined with...weakness? Like I'd exercised until all my muscles were sore and I didn't want to move. OK. No squeezing. Squeezing was definitely of the bad. Unfortunately, this reaction mostly confirmed what my subconscious and the handwavium had agreed upon as a good template for not-old/healthy. "Oh, bloody hell."

The giggling broke directly into belly laughter. Even Atropos was laughing now, though she did try to sound serious as she spoke. "You always liked Dragonball, Kevin." I snorted. "Yes, to watch. Not to be a cast member. I don't even KNOW martial arts...." I picked up the towel and started wiping myself off again, trying to get as much of the gunk off as possible. "Gah. I need a bath, or the smell's gonna knock me out. Clotho....start up a storm in the Garden, please? I'll scrape as much off as I can here, then go wash the rest in there. With a bit of luck, it'll even count as a sacrifice, so I won't have to bleed for a bit. And....how long was I out?"

Lachesis answered, her own laughter quieting though she still sounded amused. "You were out for nearly a full day and a half. Longer than some of the biomods in the references, but...the changes for you are pretty dramatic." I nodded at that. I'd lost nearly a foot and a half of height, to begin with, as well as....I glanced at the goo as I got shakily to my feet to clean off the rest of my body. "I'm glad I put down the tarp. I wasn't sure if it'd go to this, but as much as I weighed...well..." I grimaced. "Lachesis? Once I head for the Garden, wrap this mess up in the tarp, and stash it in an empty slot in one of the lab freezers? I should probably take a look at it after I recover, just to figure out more of what happened."

"Sure thing, lad," she replied, and I hmmmed. "Anything happen while I was out? Or was I the only floor show?" Clotho spoke up, "Just you. Though when you started MELTING, it was more like a horror show. DON'T do that to us again, Dad!" I shuddered, and nodded. "No plans on it, lass....not like that, at any rate. Besides...." I looked myself over. Hard to estimate exactly, but maybe. "...it looks like I have another thirty years or so before I'm back to the age I was. I'd guess...twelve, thirteen tops. Though given that this is handwavium, I could be wrong. I just hope I'm only off by a year or two, and not by an order of magnitude or two...." That got another snort from Atropos. "Don't want to be young forever?" I snorted back, "Don't want to be a chibi forever. Eighteen or twenty wouldn't have been so bad, but this..." I sighed softly as I finally got clean enough to step off the tarp, though the drying slime on my skin made me shudder. Ick. I dropped the towel back onto the tarp to be gathered up and frozen with the goo.

Stepping away from the tarp proved to be problematic, however. I got one, maybe two steps away, and fell down. "What...?" I got up, tried walking again, and again met the floor face-first. Then I felt the tail brush against my back, and I put my hand over my eyes. "Wonderful. I should've remembered. Center of balance has changed - not just from the weight and size, but from the tail. This is going to be a pain." I climbed back to my feet and started for the Garden, moving slowly and taking time with each step. I was more than a little off-balance, but knowing the problem, I was at least able to stay upright. I'm sure I looked like a drunk as I went, though. This drew some more snickering from my ladies. Ah, yes, I was apparently the best entertainment in town at the moment.

Finally, I got to the door to the Garden. "Clotho? Once Lachesis has the tarp secured and freezing, ask her to leave another towel here by the door? I'll want to dry off." The reply of "Sure thing, Kev," let me know that things were settling back to normal. If they weren't calling me dad or father, they were feeling more secure. I took a deep breath - regretting it almost immediately as the smell hit my nose again - and headed into the Garden.

I was greeted by a crash of thunder and a hard spray of cool rain, as bright light flashed overhead. I moved off to a grassy area to one side of the path, and started to scrub the slime from my body. Glancing overhead, I grinned at the roiling grey stormclouds above, as another bolt of lightning flashed between two of them. A boom of thunder came from hidden speakers a few seconds later. Gods, but I loved the Garden. As much as I love space and cities...I grew up in the country. And a good summer thunderstorm wasn't to be missed. Letting the hard rain sluice me down, I started to scrub my hair. Hmm. Texture hasn't changed. Maybe I won't get the bedhead-from-hell look. Gods, I hope not. Though it could've been even worse. I could've gotten Gohan's mop-top. I snickered to myself. As one fanfic I enjoyed had put it: That wasn't a hairdo - it was a hair-don't.

Getting my hair to what I hoped was a clean state, I started on my face. As I scrubbed my hands over my skin, I glanced at the trees in the distance, and saw another bolt lash down to the ground. Then I blinked...and patted my hands on my nose for a second before letting out a loud whoop of joy. I'd SEEN that, clearly. Looking around, I noticed everything was sharp and clear. But....I'd never put my glasses on after waking up. They were still back on the table, where I'd left them before going to sleep. I got a huge shit-eating grin on my face. OK....maybe I could deal with being chibified. Being able to see clearly was a huge mark in the plus column as far as I was concerned, and if this had fixed my other problems as well...

I took a deep breath, and let it out, sobering a little even though the grin didn't die back completely. It wouldn't be all sunshine and roses. There were too many questions as to how far this change went and some fairly big potential downsides. For one thing, I was going to have to be careful in here until I knew this body better, because the Garden DID show stars at night...and the Moon. I wasn't worried about being a giant were-monkey; handwavium could do things that looked damned miraculous but as far as I knew, even it couldn't create mass. But....I hrmed softly to myself. I suppose it could transform me into one that was around my current size. I'd read about some biomods that involved shapechanging, so it was a possibility. A mindless rage was another - breaking brain chemistry would be even easier than shapechanging. I groaned softly. OK. Have to arrange some sort of straitjacket or restraints and test it. I wasn't going to go around being afraid to look at the Moon ever again, not without a reason to be. I was glad that my last creations were close to being done, so that I didn't have to do much monitoring at the moment. Because it looked as though I was going to be my next test subject.