Roosting, or a Poem on the Wall

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Korolev Air Force Base
Kandor City, Luna
June 17, 2012

"I didn't do it!"

"Do what?"

"What I wasn't supposed to do. You told me I wasn't allowed to deploy the active defenses unless it was a level one threat, and it wasn't a level one threat and I am ever the dutiful servant. So I didn't deploy the defenses and now look what's happened!"

"GlaDOS! Hey! Calm down and just tell us what happened."

"It wasn't a level one threat."

"Right, we got that. Now, what happened?"

"Go outside and see for yourself. I'm not going out there."

Mal looked at Kat, who looked at B, who looked at Shad, who shrugged. They dropped their rucksacks in the locker room, trooped out through the office and stepped outside.

"Hm. Gray dirt, patches of grass, the road. Kandor's still where we left it. I dont see whats so... um. Holy cow."

The entire front wall of the main office was covered in graffiti. FNORD SUX was a popular appellation, while COMMIE CHOCO-HERONS MUST DIE, OTP BITCHES and HARMONY 4EVAH appeared here and there along with various obscene glyphs.

"I think I speak for all of us," said B, "when I say: what the hell?"

"We've been tagged!"

"Yes, thank you for that insightful observation."

Mal groaned.

"You know something, Mal?"

"Yeah, I think I know what the story is here."


"Well, I might have gotten into an argument with the head of Magical Law Enforcement in Question Alley the other day on SMOFcon."


"And the argument might have involved some hardcore believers in certain character relationships."

"Uh-huh. And?"

"And I might have used the words 'delusional,' 'annoying,' and 'fanbrats got jossed, fanbrats should get over it.' In sequence."

Kat gave Mal a look that most people reserve for wayward puppies that destroy the good furniture. "Oh, Mal."

"I don't believe it," Shad growled. "Those idiots came up here and spraypainted all over our place because of a fucking shipping war? One that's been over for four years now?"

"Two," Kat said absently. "The last movie came out in 09."


"Okay, look. We don't really need to get into this. Let's just get out the buckets and clean this crap off."

"What about when they come back?"

"When they come back, well..."

That night, six wizards crept slowly up the road towards Kandor AFB, paint in hand, intent on continuing the graffiti war. They had gotten past the front gate when a creepy, childlike voice called out "Who's there?"

The wizards stopped, looked around, then started moving a little more cautiously towards the Soviet offices, all the while trying to ignore the calls. Twenty meters in front of the building, the youngest of the wizards suddenly noticed that all six had little red dots hovering on their robes.

"Um, mates?" he whispered. "I think we've been caught."

There was a moment of sudden silence, and then that same creepy voice cried "THERE YOU ARE!" and all multicolored hell broke loose.